Late night ramblings from 38,000 feet

I’m writing this from 38,669 feet in the air, somewhere over Missouri (according to the little map on the screen). So many thoughts are flying through my head, about as fast as this plane is traveling. It’s been a fantastic weekend! I got to see a lot of new things and new places, and I met some amazing new friends who are working diligently to reach college students all over Colorado.
At first, I thought it would be difficult to process and sort out all that I’ve taken in the past five days. I’ve visited eight campuses in five cities- and there were aspects that I liked, and some that I didn’t, of all of them. I asked a lot of questions, and I still don’t have all the answers.
I guess, ultimately, I don’t want the responsibility of making the decision whether or not I should move to Colorado. I don’t want to organize the past few days and make a fact-based decision. I know that I could join any of the teams I met with and be an asset to their ministry. I don’t think it’s a question of what I CAN do, or even what I WANT to do. I want God to make it perfectly, crystal clear. Sometimes He makes it that easy; other times, not so much. I’m afraid of Him leaving this one up to me. Is it too bold to ask God for a black & white answer? Because I don’t just want to know if I should move to Colorado, but also to which city & which campus. I’m willing to put it all out there.
So now I’m feeling like maybe the whole “processing” procedure shouldn’t be that hard at all. (now 38,748- about to cross the Mississippi river from Arkansas to Tennessee) I mean, I’m thankful for the opportunity to see all the options, and those experiences will help me pray more specifically for the work that’s developing on each campus, but maybe I don’t have to sort out anything.
I don’t often trust my own discernment. I don’t want to throw out a fleece like my good friend Gideon (Judges 6), but we think a lot alike. “If I have found favor in your eyes, God, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me.” (6:17)
Last summer in Kenya, I received a clear object lesson. God promises that His Word will be a light unto our path (not a floodlight into the future, like I often look for). Psalm 119:105. Ok, so Kenya…. There were thorny Acacia trees all over the place, and I was paranoid that I was going to run into one of the branches and stab myself in the forehead. I often wished that I had two flashlights, one for my feet, and one to scan up ahead. But I only had one. I was so nervous about the random trees that I usually ignored the path my feet were on and tried to see what was coming, which resulted in me tripping over a loose rock and gashing open my toe. The lesson: quit worrying about what’s ahead, and pay attention to where you are.
The longer I sit here, the more I think I need to go back to Atlanta, and just pray and wait. Not to process, but to be still, and know that He is God and His name will be exalted among the nations (Psalm 46:10).
I’ve now rambled across five states (33,511 feet) and I’m not entirely sure this will make sense to anyone but me. But here it is.

Colorado is COLD!!!

So I've been in Colorado since Thursday night, and the theme of the trip so far has been "Cold Feet" (and I'm not talking about my nerves!). I sat in one of the retreat sessions yesterday, and never took off my coat OR my mittens! And that was even with thermals under my jeans, 2 undershirts, and 2 pairs of socks!!! Now, there were students running around in t-shirts and flip flops, so maybe it was just me. But I doubt it!!
I've toured around Denver and Colorado Springs so far, and I'm in Boulder now. I've seen Mile-High Stadium, the Garden of the Gods, the Air Force Academy and Chapel, Pikes Peak, and the Flat Irons, and Canadian geese, a prairie dog, and a wolf. It's been a lot of fun, in spite of the harassment I got yesterday from the guys who work in Colorado Springs. (They were driving me around town and said something about Pikes Peak, and I innocently asked, "Which one is that?" Apparently they thought it was obviously the biggest mountain, but they didn't understand that they're all enormous to me!)
Even though it's winter and everything is pretty much brown, it's all beautiful. The landscape is so much different from what I'm used to! The mountains have served as a visual reminder that God is so huge, and I am so small. As I've been praying about whether or not this is where God wants me to serve, I've been overcome by the fact that the same God who created the giant mountains loves me enough to be concerned with the details of my life.

What a wildly wonderful world, God! You made it all, with
Wisdom at your side, made earth overflow with your wonderful creations. psalm 104:24 (the message)

Please pray with me that God would reveal clearly if this is where He wants me to serve, or if I should continue to wait on Him.

What really matters

I was planning to write an update tonight, and say that I got a cortisone shot in my foot Thursday, and it's still a little swollen, but I think it's going to be fine. It's sore, but it's fine.
And then I got an email from my friend, my sister-in-Christ, Vesta (who also happens to be my former supervisor from our Czech days). Two years ago, two brain tumors were removed from her body. This past week, an MRI revealed two more, and another that had started out small and non-threatening had doubled in size in a year's time. My foot doesn't hurt that much anymore.
I'm filled with questions that no one can answer. But as I talked to my friend Jerod tonight, he reminded me that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called by Him (that was before I read Vesta's email). No matter what happens to our physical bodies, God is working in our lives, and that is good. Thanks for the encouraging reminders Jerod- press on.
HE IS the answer... every time... no matter what.
Please pray for Vesta and Mark, for strength to continue to demonstrate God's love and grace as they face whatever the next few days hold. Pray that God will be glorified, and His name made known among the nations.

"Lead-Foot"

Yes, I do have a tendancy to drive fast, but that's not why I was given a new nickname this week. I've been having trouble with my foot (in a physical sense) for a few months, so I finally went to see an orthopedic doctor last week. She sent me for an MRI to see if I had a stress fracture, but the MRI showed a surprise instead! The film showed that I have a small piece of metal imbedded in the bottom of my foot- directly under the joint where I've been having pain. You're probably thinking, "So how in the world did you get metal in your foot? When did this happen?" I have no idea, and I have no idea. Yeah, it's all pretty bizarre (I know that much). I still don't know if there enough of a risk there to require removing the metal, but I'll let you know what happens!
Rhonda, you get the credit for my literal new name, even if you did abandon me to figure out the stationary bikes on my own while you keep trucking along on the ellipticals! Thanks for being my work-out buddy!

Just for Fun

Ok, I know this is old, but it's still funny. Turn up your volume!

Watch and Laugh

New Beginnings for a New Year

Just wanted to let you know what's been going on in my world, and ask you to keep praying. I talked to Max Barnett yesterday (of Colorado Collegiate Ministries) and he asked me to come to Colorado Springs for their statewide retreat Feb 3-5. I'll either go early or stay late to meet with some of the directors of the BCMs and check out the campuses in Colorado Springs and Denver.
I'm really excited about this new development, and I have total peace from the Lord about going in this direction. It's not at all what I was expecting, but I'm anxious to see how God's going to work it all out.
I love My Utmost for His Highest, and God has been speaking plenty of truth through Oswald lately. Two things that stood out to me last week were "You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing" and "God does not tell you what He is going to do; He reveals to you Who He is." (if you have the book, it was Jan 2) I'm reminded that I don't have to know everything ahead of time. God is still God, and will continue to be no matter where I go and what I do.
I'm so amazed that God, the creator of the universe, loves me enough to be concerned with the details of my life, and is gracious enough to continue showing me Who He is in order to work those details out.
Thanks for continuing to pray with me about this!! I'll keep you posted!

I never really liked peaches that much

I cannot believe myself. I'm sitting here in the recliner watching the Peach Bowl on ESPN. Up until a couple of hours ago, I was holding a ticket to this game- which is being played right here in Atlanta! Granted, I'm wearing thermals, fleece pajama pants, and a sweatshirt, cuddled up to a box of Kleenex under a blanket and sipping on OJ, and I couldn't be doing any of these things if I was actually at the game. I definitely would rather be at the Georgia Dome.
Toby, you're an angel in the form of a Tiger-- thanks for sending me the ticket!! I just wish I could have used it!
I brought the ticket to a local sports bar and gave it to the girl at the hostess stand- my New Years gift to one of her friends, or some random fan that was crazy enough to take the ticket and go (I finally gave it up about 2 hours before kickoff!) I hope someone is down there having a good time cheering for LSU.
It stinks to be sick. And it stinks to know that I have to be at work at 5am tomorrow. Most of all, though, it stinks to be a grown up, who let those things influence her into staying home tonight. But the game goes on... Geaux tigers!

You can call me "Master Jess"

Since there's no fancy title to come with my degree, and I KNOW I'll never go for a PhD and become "doctor," I'll settle for being "master"! Hehehe!!!
Graduation was so much fun. I loved being back in Fort Worth, back at Deer Creek, and back among friends. The weekend was better than I could have imagined. It was fun hanging out with so many people who I've been missing.
For now, I'm back in Atlanta at Starbucks while I pray about what God has for me next...

Break out the Pomp & Circumstance

I am proud to announce my graduation from

Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary!

During commencement exercises this Friday, December 9,

I will officially receive my

Master of Arts in Missiology.

I would like to thank the academy for this incredible honor.... haha, no- but seriously.

I'm thankful for my parents and my sisters, and my entire family, for their unending support, love, and encouragement. You have graciously stood behind me, no matter how crazy you thought I was, and loved me when you didn't understand me. You're amazing- and I love you so much!

I'm grateful for my seminary friends and classmates, for bringing smiles in the midst of stress. I'm so glad that God allowed me to journey through the past 2.5 years with such fun people.

I'm thankful for my friends who were not in seminary, for reminding me of life "outside the bubble". Thanks for keeping me real!

I thank God for everyone who has prayed for me, carrying me through seminary and over two continents. I'm pretty sure I couldn't have done it without you.

I'm thankful for professors who challenged me, taught me, encouraged me, frustrated me, streched me, and empowered me. I am stronger and more ready to face the world thanks to you.

Thank you God for tears to make the laughter even sweeter, struggles to make the accomplishments more victorious, and for Jesus, who gives meaning to it all.

Choked

So, that just about describes my Tigers. I went to the SEC Championship game last night- sad stuff! (Thanks for the ticket, Kevin!) It was horrible to watch; they didn't bring their A-game, that's for sure. I still had a great time, but it definitely would have been better if LSU had won. I guess one good result is that they're coming back to Atlanta to play in the Peach Bowl...
This past week started off bad, but it turned around. My computer crashed last weekend, but I was able to get my files recovered and turn in all my work for school- and it's done! What a relief to have everything turned in, and know that I won't have to write another paper for a grade. It's a great feeling!

Today's Quote

Lord, help me to do great things as though they were little, since I do them with Your power; and little things as though they were great, since I do them in Your Name.

- Blaise Pascal

Now, Lord, what do I wait for?

Now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Psalm 39:7

I've asked myself this question a lot lately, especially this past week. I feel like God is trying to teach me patience by having me wait, and wait, and wait some more. Seriously, I really thought I would know by now what I'm supposed to do after I graduate. I was nervous about not knowing the future when then end of seminary was months away, and here I sit, three weeks out, and I still don't know. I'm waiting, but I have no idea what for. Can I just be honest, and say that I'm frustrated?
I talked to a friend last night about our communication with God. He knows every thought of our minds, so we don't really need to tell Him when we're upset- He already knows this. But should we? Is it ok? Does God want to hear our grumblings? I shared that I feel guilty when I gripe at God, because I should be happy with whatever circumstance He puts around me. My friend reminded me of King David, that he was miserable throughout much of the Psalms, and he cried out to God, and then he praised Him anyway. I spent a lot of time reading through that book last night and today, and I can say with confidence that my hope is in the Lord, and I will continue to wait for Him.
The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks Him. Lamentations 3:24-25
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful- I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

INFP

That's me, or my personality anyway, according to the Myers-Briggs personality profile. Introverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. My roommate, Erin, recently took the survey, and we're identical- she's an INFP too!! Which is really wierd, because less than 1% of the general population has these four qualities. Interesting....
Anyway, she brought home the paper that describes "our" type, and it was fun reading over this purely analytical report that pretty well describes me and the way I respond to the world. I think my favorite was, "INFPs see logic as something optional." Absolutely!! You can read more about INFP types by clicking here.
What are you??
Oswald's inspiring thought for today:

If you are rightly devoted to the Lord Jesus, you have reached the sublime height where no one ever thinks of noticing you, all that is noticed is that the power of God comes through you all the time.

(from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest)

Sign from God?

I went to Birmingham, Alabama, for a few days to see some friends, help Julie pick out a wedding dress, and pray about the potential possibility of working at the University of Alabama-Birmingham's Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM).
My friend Megan took me driving around the campus at UAB Friday night. She pointed out most of the buildings and told me what they were, but she didn't know where the BCM was. No biggie, I thought. We parked in a lot for a few minutes and prayed there on the campus, which was wonderfully exhilirating. I didn't get an overwhelming feeling right away that I was in the middle of my new home, but it was a cool campus (in the heart of downtown, which I loved) and I think I could see myself there. Anyway, we went to eat in another area, and on the way home she offered to drive back through the campus again. We stopped to get gas while we were downtown, and at the gas station, there was a homemade poster taped to the light post on the corner. It said "Jessica" in bold green letters and had an arrow pointing down the street. We laughed that maybe God was sending me a sign, but really didn't think about it. Well, I went into the station to use the restroom while Megan pumped gas, and before I left, I asked the girl working inside if she knew where the BCM building was, and randomly enough- she thought she did. She told me to turn at the corner, and even described the building. We went back to the road, and realized the arrow on the sign was pointing down the street where we needed to turn, WHERE THE BCM IS! I can't tell you how big the chill bumps were, or how hard my heart was pounding at that point. I got really excited though, that maybe it wasn't a coincidence for me to finally find that building.
I wish I'd had a camera to prove to everyone else- and myself- that there really was a sign with my name on it! This job is still totally up in the air, but I'm completely excited about the possibility in a new way today. Please pray that it will all work out however it's supposed to.
And by the way- GEAUX TIGERS!!! #4 this week-- fabulous!! Maybe we'll finally get a chance to play USC and regain our national title outright!!

Random thoughts from a friend...

Sermon illustrations sometimes lead our thoughts in funny directions! I got this email from my good friend, Lorie, and have been meaning to share it... (you crack me up, lo! i love you!)

I was sitting in chapel this morning listening to our speaker when he began sharing about Jesus feeding the multitude in John chapter six. He shared how the Lord abundantly blessed the meager offering of fish and bread and allowed it to feed thousands.

However, as I read along with him in the Bible, I noticed that Scripture ONLY mentions that the disciples collected 12 baskets of BREAD left over after the feeding. NO FISH. In other words, those people "tore up" that fish! It must have been fried!

Of course, I found this humerous at a not-so-much appropriate moment!! I hope you all are having a wonderful day!

Verses for Today

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

I've been thinking....

Can we ever get so far out of God's will that we become unusable to Him? Does He allow us to make decisions that will lead us off "His" path, even when we are seeking to do what is right? Does God's Will have only one right way, one right answer?
These questions have come up as I've started to think about what God might have for me after I finish seminary in a few weeks. I don't think it's His purpose for me to serve coffee forever, but maybe I'm wrong! I've talked to friends and people I trust, and they have encouraged me to continue seeking the Lord. It's hard for me to trust my own discernment, though. What if God doesn't make the right decision explicitly clear? Is it possible that He could lead me to a fork in the road where either path could be right, and I just have to choose?
I'll be honest- I don't like to make decisions! I don't like deciding what clothes to put on in the morning, or choosing what to eat for dinner- and do not ask me to choose a restaurant when other people are involved! I would much prefer if God would send me a letter or email, and say, "Jess, I want you to go to ______________ and do _____________." It scares me to think that it might be left up to me to make an informed decision and go with it.
I'm reading a book right now that points out that the most frequent command in Scripture is fear not. I'm not really afraid- yet- but yes, I'm anticipating it. Pray that God will give me a clear answer, or strengthen my faith so that I will trust Him to lead me to the right decision.

Living on the Edge

I've never been one to be afraid of changing my hairstyle. After all, it's just hair- and it will grow back! However, this was just a little too much for me to handle. Being a red-head was fun for the week, but if you haven't seen me by now, you're too late (unlike a funky haircut, I can un-do this one, and I am tomorrow!). As much as I like it, it's not me at all and I like it better on other people. Sorry, Kayla, you won't get to see this one in person!

On a more serious note, I spent Thursday and Friday at Catalyst, a Christian leadership conference here in Atlanta (http://www.catalystconference.com/). We got to hear from some amazing speakers, the worship times were incredible, and I was completely refreshed by the end of the two days. Erwin McManus, pastor of the Mosaic church in LA, talked about the story in John 9 where Jesus healed a blind man. He pointed out the irony of Jesus covering a blind man's eyes, and telling him to go (on his own) to a pool named Siloam (Siloam means sent). He then related it to how we, like the blind man, sometimes have to go blind where we are sent. Jesus doesn't always make sense in our human minds, and it's ok. We're not supposed to understand, we're just supposed to go in faith.

Does anyone really know me?

I spent a good part of today working on my Intro to Church Planting class. One of the things I had to do was take a spiritual gifts inventory, and discuss if I thought the results were accurate. It also asked if "people who know me best" confirmed those gifts, and I was actually pretty curious to know, so I called a few people. I talked to my grandmother, my little sister, and my college roommate. Before I told them the results, my Granny and Kayla both said they didn't think I would have scored very strongly on the gift that was actually highest! AND, they both chose one that they felt I had that was in the bottom three as well. Courtney (my old roommate) was fairly on target for most of the list.
Wierd, huh? I was surprised that my family didn't seem to know me, or know my heart, as well. So I began to wonder, why is that? Is it because I don't try to be "as Christ-like" around them? Or do they still think of me as I was growing up? After all, Courtney is the only one who has only known me as an adult. The more I thought about it, the more it saddened me. I should be serving my family more, and treating them better. It's easy to neglect them knowing that they will love me no matter what. No, I don't have to impress them, but I serve to be the hands & feet of Christ (not to impress men), and my family deserves that as much- if not more- from me than random strangers I don't know. I'm disappointed to realize this about myself.
I've been thinking & praying about the future again. Pray that I won't grow impatient waiting to hear back from the Lord, and that it will be a daily priority to be still and listen, so that I will be know when He's trying to answer.

Punishment, or Discipline?

I probably should have updated this a week ago, and it would be useless to try to explain where my time went last week, so I'll just pass over all that and jump right in.
After my "confessions" last week, I felt so much better to have shared my burden, not only with whoever is reading this, but with the Lord too. I decided to stay home last Sunday morning and have a good, long quiet time- just me & God. Not really knowing where to start, I began reading Beth Moore's Praying God's Word (the chapter about overcoming unbelief).
After reading and praying a while, I turned to Hebrews 11... faith has been tough for me lately. I froze on verse 8: By faith Abraham, when called to go... obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.When I first felt the Lord moving me to leave Texas, this was the verse I clung to!! It was as if God was admonishing me- You used to believe me like this, Jess. Why don't you any more? That was my first lesson.
Then I went on to chapter 12, about discipline. I don't know how many times I've read this before, but it was so fresh. Verse 11: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. This encouraged me so much! It's like God acknowledged that I'm in a difficult season, He knows where I am and He knows how I feel about it. And He also promised hope that there's a reason for the struggles and that I'll be better off for them. I'm not being punished, I'm being re-shaped.
One thing I love about reading scripture is that the Word of God is living and active (Hebrews 4:12). No matter how much I read, or how many times, it never gets old, it's always refreshing and exciting. I realized (again) that when I'm not hearing the Lord, it's not because He's not communicating with me. I forget to listen sometimes. Ok, a lot of times. It was good to sit and listen, and hear back from Him. I'm so thankful that God is faithful when I am faithless.